Gwendolyn Arnauld Elfglitter

Grandma called again.

She said the key to the door wouldn’t work and that someone has changed the lock while she was sleeping last nite. Mum told her that uncle has changed the lock last weekend since she lost the keys. She couldn’t remember and insisted that someone did change the lock last nite.

Mum was exasperated.

I could recall some times it gets to her so badly that she would wail and cry hysterically. I dunno how to describe it. Just a chilling sight you won’t want to see.

And to make it worst, you’ll find yourself helpless. Dunno what to do. Only thing is to stare at a screaming and wailing lady, standing by her bed and hitting the mattress with her arms. Cursing everyone to death in her wails.

But the problem never goes away.

Amidst her cries, she would then get changed and stormed off with her own set of spare keys to grandma’s. All that was left, were speculations and imaginations. Who knows, the next moment she may decide not exist anymore? Scary.

It didn’t happen this morning. But she was on the verge.

I offered to send her to grandma’s, but she refused. Asked me to go on to the office and left the house. I hoped it was nothing serious.

My head started throbbing.

It is now a new disciplinary recourse that all sales personnel must all clock in once they reach the office.

Maryann looked tired these days. She was quick to guess my loss of vocals was attributed by durians. So clever.

The air doesn’t seem right in the office today. Probably it’s just me anyway.

Susan wore glasses instead of contacts. Everyone commented she looks like a school teacher. Tris was in a good mood. Chin was not.

I had wanted to postpone an appointment. Chin said go ahead. Only to realize that the person to see was on medical leave. That was a quick one for the Danzsales.  

Doreen cleared Bern’s desk this afternoon. Though with much reluctance and mumbling grumbles. Sorta miss this fren of mine. She must be having fun with Christine in Paris now.

Susan asked about the daily report upon my return. Poor thing. Eager to learn. I had no time to teach her how to go about it again today. Tomorrow then. The reports? By yours truly today.

While a battle of livelihood raged on in the office background, another virtual one was ongoing. So tired. The boss called for dinner. Bad timing to socialize or rather, good timing for time alone. 

And I had forgotten to clock out.

Grandma lost her keys to the house today.

Senile as she already is, she would not remember when she last seen them. Mum and uncle each had a set of the keys to her house. It is as if they knew such things would happen. But then again, with her being what she is now, it’s not that difficult to predict I guess. Of cuz, mum was very angry. And the angriest part of it was when grandma kept saying things that weren’t making sense. Well, you may say that we should not use a normal mindset to deal with someone who is already senile. Everything to them make sense. But when you’re in that situation, rage and outburst are really things which are difficult to subdue.

Uncle was at work when grandma called. So he asked his wife to bring the extra keys to her. She in turn, asked her son to do so. Grandma lost that bunch of keys as well. We tried calling auntie to find out clues on that bunch of keys. But all I had were grumbles and reluctance. Why can people just speak nicely? I didn’t call to receive all that. I was just trying to help make the situation better for everyone. Why can’t they understand that they are not the only ones going through a hard time with the old folk here? Only one word to describe – Selfish.

During all these rush and anguish, I can’t help but realized how aged mum has become. Her hair were turning redish from the roots, of which they would finally turn grey. Something on her face is different as well – Aged.

Suddenly, I felt sad. Felt like I haven’t done enuf, haven’t spend enuf time with her and so on… Not sure if this was the feeling you had when you mentioned that you came back becuz your parents were “too old to be on their own”.

When all was settled, I had some time with myself and my dog. Soon it was time to leave for practice.

The original intent was to collect the shoes I ordered from a fren, practice a little then either do some work while the rest rehearse for performance or go home to rest.

In the end, ended up helping some others in some of their moves. When the rehearsal starts, YH and me were the only odd ones out. Sometimes I really feel that I’m redundant. I tried to help others, but sometimes instead of appreciation, I only received chides. Some just think that they are always right. Yes, they may be right in terms of the subject matter, but in terms of human EQ, I just don’t think so.

It dawned on me that perhaps I’ve always been a replacement for someone else. I’m just someone who is temporarily taking the stand-in for the actual player, and when the actual player is ready for the game again, I’m no longer needed. In relationship or in other areas, it seems always the case. Yes, it is a sad realization. The saddest part is that the people who do this don’t even realized that.

They won’t realize it until they are in my shoes. Caring and loving a person is one thing, treating them the right way is another. These two are not the same.

Some things once lost, you can never get it back.

Ever have the experience of believing that you can achieve something and after trying hard for it, turned out that you were so wrong? I had one too many.

Short-Story
Many have told me that I’ve progressed. I felt the difference too. As the saying goes: “Your best may not be other’s best”, and governed by the teachings of humility, I continue to pursue the next level of improvement. I learn with much passion. Or, should I say, I “learnt”, as the series of events that took place recently badly dampened the spirit… Everything is not the same thereafter.

At this point, some may remarked that it doesn’t matter what other’s best is/are. Yes, it does not. It is but a statement in motivating one to exceed his/her current state of performance.

Thoughts
I vividly remember the damaging statement from the last show-down, which i can find no room for forgiveness till this day. Recently, remarks of the same nature was directed to me again, by the same person. Healing is not within scope. The heart aches at the whimes of penning it as the mind recollects the events uncontrollably.

As I reminisce through this short tenure of the learning, encouragement was not something I can recall. Why? I don’t know. Was it because I’ve come to take on this learning by voluntary means, while others are “invited”? Was it because of the “privileged” title bestowed that I’m supposed to be treated otherwise? Was I such a lousy student? Is this learning the only link between me and the initiator? Would it be better in more ordinary circumstances? Perhaps… Perhaps… Perhaps…

Reality
Strangely, I saw the happenings of this other side of my life reflected in a movie recently. The thoughts are the same, the characters, similar.

The initiator never knew or cared about what this has done. Perhaps it is not of much interests to him in any case. It was not as if these were not voiced before. Since being outspoken has resulted in much unhappiness previously, I’ve come to keep things to myself. Just quietly playing my role in this silent movie.

It takes less than a fool to know that this path leads to the “thinning” of the bond between people. As it is, the wall of defense within me elevates itself each day. Each interaction became increasingly uneasier and pressurizing.

Now and Next
I have no one to turn to share these thoughts. I’ve mentioned to a good fren once, but that seemed to be but a temporary relief. Hence, I’m penning it. Hopeful to find the right words that could accurately translate this molten frustration.

I don’t know what will come next too. Another damaging war perhaps…? I have no idea. Come what may then.