“Regrets, I have a few. But then again, too few to mention”
Ever have the experience of believing that you can achieve something and after trying hard for it, turned out that you were so wrong? I had one too many.
Short-Story
Many have told me that I’ve progressed. I felt the difference too. As the saying goes: “Your best may not be other’s best”, and governed by the teachings of humility, I continue to pursue the next level of improvement. I learn with much passion. Or, should I say, I “learnt”, as the series of events that took place recently badly dampened the spirit… Everything is not the same thereafter.
At this point, some may remarked that it doesn’t matter what other’s best is/are. Yes, it does not. It is but a statement in motivating one to exceed his/her current state of performance.
Thoughts
I vividly remember the damaging statement from the last show-down, which i can find no room for forgiveness till this day. Recently, remarks of the same nature was directed to me again, by the same person. Healing is not within scope. The heart aches at the whimes of penning it as the mind recollects the events uncontrollably.
As I reminisce through this short tenure of the learning, encouragement was not something I can recall. Why? I don’t know. Was it because I’ve come to take on this learning by voluntary means, while others are “invited”? Was it because of the “privileged” title bestowed that I’m supposed to be treated otherwise? Was I such a lousy student? Is this learning the only link between me and the initiator? Would it be better in more ordinary circumstances? Perhaps… Perhaps… Perhaps…
Reality
Strangely, I saw the happenings of this other side of my life reflected in a movie recently. The thoughts are the same, the characters, similar.
The initiator never knew or cared about what this has done. Perhaps it is not of much interests to him in any case. It was not as if these were not voiced before. Since being outspoken has resulted in much unhappiness previously, I’ve come to keep things to myself. Just quietly playing my role in this silent movie.
It takes less than a fool to know that this path leads to the “thinning” of the bond between people. As it is, the wall of defense within me elevates itself each day. Each interaction became increasingly uneasier and pressurizing.
Now and Next
I have no one to turn to share these thoughts. I’ve mentioned to a good fren once, but that seemed to be but a temporary relief. Hence, I’m penning it. Hopeful to find the right words that could accurately translate this molten frustration.
I don’t know what will come next too. Another damaging war perhaps…? I have no idea. Come what may then.
